goldentwist.net

Golden Tweet of the Day: @joeschmitt

You know who sucks? Aggressive drivers.
And cowardly drivers.
And slow drivers.
And drivers who are not me.
– @joeschmitt

Golden Tweet of the Day: @bumpcrud

Dear self: If scratching your face with a clicky pen, make sure the tip isn’t out. Also, no one believes they are cat whiskers. Stop trying.
– @bumpcrud

Golden Tweet of the Day: @jharlot

If you’re in a Silent Treatment battle, it’s always a good idea to make sure there’s enough toilet paper before you use the bathroom.
– @jharlot

Golden Tweet of the Day: @TheDLC

Huh, I don’t usually watch golf. The one thing I’m noticing between Watson and Mickelszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

– @TheDLC

Golden Tweet of the Day: @Spooky_Johnson

After 4 weeks on a low-cholesterol diet, it’s become clear that “cholesterol” is just a fancy word for “flavor”.
– @Spooky_Johnson

Golden Tweet of the Day: @bytErrant

If you want someone to open a work email, you need a good subject line. “Robot Dogs Dig Holes in the Space-Time Continuum.” I’d read that.

– @bytErrant

Golden Tweet of the Day: @linajk

When setting the table, does the remote control go to the left, to the right or over the dinner plate?
– @linajk

Golden Tweet of the Day: @jgwaelchli

Anyone ever take their son over to grandma’s at noon because they can’t figure out what to make for lunch? Yeah, me neither.
– @jgwaelchli

Golden Tweet of the Day: @justmeeagainn

I can no longer afford to see a doctor, but I can afford to see a guy who plays one on TV.
– @justmeeagainn

Golden Tweet of the Day: @iamnotdiddy

Lord: We’re grateful that our families haven’t found us on Twitter & that donkeys can’t talk. That’d be embarrassing for many of us. Amen.
– @iamnotdiddy