goldentwist.net

Golden Tweet of the Day: @rainnwilson

I wish my iPad were smaller and made calls, or that it folded up and had a keyboard attached.
– @rainnwilson

Golden Tweet of the Day: @FakeAPStylebook

It’s “for all intents and purposes.” “Intensive Purposes” is the hot new medical drama from CBS.
– @FakeAPStylebook

Golden Tweet of the Day: @OMGfacts

Most people (65%) tilt their heads to the right when kissing instead of the left. #omgfacts
– @OMGfacts

Golden Tweet of the Day: @fireland

Just found a report card from third grade: “Joshie is terrified of spiders, soccer, robots of any size, his father, sex, clouds, things.”

– @fireland

Golden Tweet of the Day: @adamisacson

Hi. I’m in a staff meeting. There are 83 ceiling tiles in our meeting room. And 8 light fixtures, with 24 fluorescent bulbs. That is all.
– @adamisacson

Golden Tweet of the Day: @MrBigFists

If you think writing in the proper tense is difficult now, just wait until time travel was possible.

– @MrBigFists

Golden Tweet of the Day: @hotdogsladies

Author Dan Brown strode through the brass lobby of a bar and ordered a beer, his eyes white as something white. The bartender had eyes too.
– @hotdogsladies

Golden Tweet of the Day: @sween

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one’s eating fish ever again.
– @sween

Golden Tweet of the Day: @badbanana

I like my women the same way I like my coffee: Ground up and stored in the freezer. I MEAN HOT AND STRONG OR SOMETHING.
– @badbanana

Golden Tweet of the Day: @bestgirlbetty

I’m all doped up on meds at work, which means I’m totally starting a band called Nipple Confusion and tonight’s our first gig.
– @bestgirlbetty